Change is good right? Any parent knows that with a baby, comes a lot of change , no matter how many kids you have. Most of that change is good, even the lack of sleep, dirty diapers, piles of laundry and colic are a blessing when you know the pain of losing a child or coming too close to losing them.
I got pregnant with Devin at 21 and he was a dream come true. My pregnancy, besides some morning sickness, was close to perfect. But Devin had a mind of his own and when I was two weeks past my due date, I was induced and after 25 hours of labor, the doctor preformed a c-section. He was perfect. Flawless skin, round head, chubby cheeks... I was changed. Two weeks later, Devin choked and stopped breathing. The terror that came over me was like nothing I had ever experienced. I remember thinking "he's my whole world, he's everything" while frantically dialing 911. After CPR,an ambulance ride and a scary night in the hospital, Devin was ok. Even though he would continue to scare me plenty more and he still does, that night is burned in my mind. I was changed that night, I felt to my very soul what the term "a mothers love" really meant. I became a mother... And it was the best, most fufilling, absolutely terrifying thing ever.
When I got pregnant with Logan, it was obvious he was different from the start. After having a miscarriage almost two years before Logan, something I'm still not ready to talk about, I tried to be so careful this time. The pregnancy was difficult from the very start and let's just say it was a long 9 months! But still a wonderful time for us, we were thrilled to be getting another boy and even when it's difficult , pregnancy is an amazing experience. I loved the feeling of being pregnant again and feeling Logan grow. After my complications with Devin and losing the other baby , I really didn't entertain the idea of natural childbirth. My doctors advised a c-section and Derek and I agreed that was the safest decision for us. When Logan came on a cold November morning , it was a difficult surgery with a lot of complications but Logan was perfect. A perfect , beautiful, laid back, sleepy, slightly jaundiced baby boy. And everyone was changed. Everything was changed. Devin was finally a brother and we had two kids! Double trouble ! Twice the love. I fell more in love with Derek and Devin.
Change doesn't seem like a strong enough word to describe what happened after we heard the words " the ultrasound showed that your son doesn't have a gallbladder. It's likely he has biliary atresia.... Things are going to start happening fast now..." It was a small room, just Derek, Logan and I were inside, the rest of our family was in the waiting room. Derek and I remained calm, staying in control of our emotions. We decided it would be best to get our family out of the office and into a quiet place to explain what Dr. Atay had said. And I stayed calm until I got to the word "surgery". I broke down. I was so scared of the idea of surgery. If we had any idea what biliary atresia was, those words would have been scarier.
Throughout the next few weeks and months a lot about me changed. A lot about my relationship with my husband changed. Our living situation changed. We lived in a hospital room. Devin had to stay with my parents and visit us. Derek and I leaned on each other more than we ever had before, we got closer, we became more patient with each other. Watching Logan fight so hard everyday really began to open our eyes to what was important. A baby can't speak words like "fighter" or "survivor " but you could look at him and SEE it, the will to live, the fire inside him. It's overwhelming to see that up close, in your own child, how could that not change you?
Logan made us so much more aware that life was short and precious which at the same time made us more laid back and relaxed. We stopped stressing over things and people who weren't important. I was humbled by not only the openness and kindness of others but by having to accept that people I thought cared really didn't. Thinking of all the things Logan may not be able to do made me push Devin harder to get more involved with sports and other activities. He's happier for it, he's changing, hes making new friends, he is growing up. I learned how to be really honest , finally, to admit when I'm scared, to let people see what I feel and not cover it up. I made different types of friends, connecting with people through social media to learn more about biliary atresia and liver transplants and along the way met amazing people. People with strength I have never seen, love that pours out of them, where people don't argue or act petty, they just love and support each other. I've prayed for them and cried tears of joy and heartache while I looked at their children's pictures. I wonder how I didn't find out what friendship really meant until now.
We all change. I'm hoping and praying I keep changing for the better. Learning to be vulnerable, humble, scared, all of this has made me stronger. I'm finding out who I am now because this person is new to me. I pray God will keep me on this path I'm meant to be on and help me find the strength and will to be the person my family needs and deserves. To be a better friend, sister, daughter, wife and mostly a mother. I thank God for my children everyday and I pray for the guidance to be a good mother. I pray I can be a good wife and show my husband how much I love him everyday. I pray for my family, the ones related to me that I spend holidays with and my liver family, online and in my heart.
We are all works in progress ... I'm so in love with the three men I'm on this journey with everyday. Derek, Devin and Logan, you all made me who I am, you keep changing me and challenging me and I love it.